" ... sez here in your dizzying program of thy human existence, you like kale, huh?" I shrugged, "I'll eet it, but - " raised eyebrows "as a sacrifice for sinners so they won't take a literal dive, knocking themselves out down below in Perdition" puzzled, like the donkey in C.S. Lewis' novels. He nodded, "Personally? Barf-O-Rama. But, hey, cool. Smart choice, very smart. They have a whole lotta iron and green things do wonders for thy immune system. I'll tell youse why..." pretty excited. Gotta deep, furrowed expression, as the Kansas field foretold in their solitude. "Them leafy veggies?" he continued, "When they guillotined you for thy civil disobedience, anti-abortion views? Dude! The blood, thick, rich, and loaded, like Hershey's chocolate, shot straight-out all over the captain's clothes! Boy, he was pissed. Totally, totally hilarious. You should see it. Wanna? Got it on tape" Shook my head "What difference would it make seeing as I'm Upstairs for eternity? Guess my bricks were not all in my wagon," knocked myself in der knoggin. "Though, I should've had a V8: kept my head on till the very end, huh?" Yes, like a surgeon amputating a gangrened hamstring: my whole neck was khaki, like the kale I ate. "And lookit here," he continued. "Gotta lotta moxie, too. From thy Guardian Angel, Juliet, who wrote this, it sez... you either dreamt of being a... " squinting and chuckling, "a social outcast... lemme have summa that," as we high-5d again. I made the 'c'est la vie' sign which we can't do on earth, "Isn't that life? You're it, humanity. Satan wants your soul. Don't believe me? Don't believe in the Devil? Think he's some cute, lovable being with sad eyes that cannot cause you any harm? Welcome to Hell. Read on to the explicit personals, buddy." "And you write well, boy," looking up from my page. "However, crazy dreams... fruitless reality in that sloppy, uncombed world, I can certainly see why you considered yourself a pariah from thy whiskey, wild youth so fulla sin. God chose you to lead'm. Outstandin' in that field of grain did you leave thy righteous seed, brother. Amen?? Feeeeeel a Negro spiritual comin' on. Lord Almighty." I, of course, guffawed. "Hey, bro, don't laugh. Satan just gave thy society all this knowledge in the 20th century: medicine, thinking you're little gods; autos, thinking you're invincible; abortion, thinking you alone have the right; materalism, thinking you have it all, actually, when used to excess, put up road-blockers on thy spiritual journey toward New Jerusalem, weaving you like a quilt to the left," as he reached into the drawer and pulled-out two cigars, as he put his HUGE feet up on the desk. "So, tell me, ManyNames, you're thinking of moving-on-up the corporate ladder, huh? Congrats, son. What made you realize this drive to achieve, this corporal instigation to attain higher goals?" as he offered me one. "EGADS!!!" declining with a gasp. "YOU SMOKE THOSE??? I thot Heaven was free FROM smoke." "Nyah. Public relations," puttin'm away. I laughed, shutting mon yeaux, "It goes like this, Joe - " "Rap is fine." "Most of the people I met and knew were fairly indifferent to the state of their souls." "The reason?" "Prooo'bly this: worldly desires PLUS a heightened sense of insecurity EQUALS death eternal; however, our promote-from-within policy actually helped a few of them, lottsa prayer and veracity." Hoped I was gonna get it. "Very good," his eyes returned to the paper he was grading. "I see here desired characterisics. Got me in that corner. Some quality control, fade resistant, and Super Vision. Do you value flexibility and intuition?" "Yes, sir!" "Good. So does God. And He wants you to use your natural gifts of a strong-Gestalt-theory and application." Was I thrilled!! I knew I was gonna get it. "This seems all very well and good. You may proceed to Level Negative One," sed he. "Shall I deposit this in the Circular Receptacle?" as the doors to Downstairs slowly creaked open...
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the raw, breath of Hell was like an obscure, repugnant stench that swiftly stuck to thy lungs; like the remains of blind, dead people slowly crawling outta the grave when YOU show, oily and slippery with Riga Mortise that regenerates --- slightly foggy, weird, precious kritterz, humanoids, too, quickly scurrying outta the Light into their dagnasty holes; one passage straight ahead, another to the right; lost in the eerie, clammy darkness; older-than-time stone walls with stanky, disgusting goo dripping everywhere --- there was parking in the Abyss, too, here-N-there, people inside their 250 degree autos, slowly roasting, clawing, scratching, suffocating for eternity. there were no doors; doors had ceased to exist - you're Satan's spawn now...
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"What's thy IQ?" Rap asked. "Low," I responded. "Everything comes from on High."
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